Alumni

A Tribute to Elle Malmstrom, MACP ’20

A tribute by Emersyn Hvile, MACP ’21

Elle Bell, I am at the shore of the ocean near the mountains as I write this for you. A place I feel most connected to your aliveness.

“Pay attention.” And also…“Listen.” “Can you soften and listen?” The words I received as I sat to write and what I currently feel your death and life are inviting us deeper into. That is the openness Elle invited as she sat with others’ pain.

There is a disruptiveness to suicide that has the potential to invite us into deeper listening, beyond words. For some of us an invitation to wake up –to live more alive. May both your life and death continue to be disruptive to all those who encounter you. And may we be open to your disruption.

That’s who Elle has always been, someone who disrupts dead places, systems, relationships, and people to call forth aliveness. Elle broke through the stale inauthenticity of fundamental religion that asked her to be small and obedient and was unapologetically her full and fierce self. Her fire has always been contagious.

Elle, there has always been a wildness you hold. I know that you believed in presence persisting after someone’s human form is gone. Many of us continue to find you where we know your form and essence still exist: the wildness of nature and the tender love of animals. I feel your presence in the untamed beauty, strength, and unpredictability of the mountains. In wildflowers bursting with color. I feel your layered complexity and fierce depth as I wade into the ocean waves, shocked by the cold of the Pacific Ocean waters like the waves of shock that come as the reality of your human form being gone hits. Your wonder, wisdom, and kindness remain in the tall trees as I remember you photographing them on the countless hikes and trails you traveled as a wilderness guide and perpetual nomad.

Elle was a talented athlete and tennis player: she could have gone professional had she chosen to do so. A wildly gifted photographer capturing humans and nature with deep care and stunning beauty. A lover of dogs and animals, especially wolves and snow leopards. If you see one of them, be sure to say hello to Elle. A therapist to struggling teenagers and a deep soul friend to many she crossed paths with. 

Did you know Elle also had an amazing singing voice? (Along with her poetic writing and speaking voice.) I am pretty sure Elle has never known a stranger. Whether a stop at a gas station or on a hike she has always been someone that befriends and cultivates connection. She has always been a catalyst for play.

Elle was not afraid of the dark. If someone in her orbit was struggling, she leaned in rather than backing away. As I’ve connected with others after her death, I’ve found people sharing most about the depth of Elle’s heart, compassion, and love. Her capacity to love big and show up for all of us in dark moments has been spoken again and again. Her unfiltered and raw presence came with the invitation to be honest. 

Elle was a fan of living untamed and unfiltered, and in that spirit, I want to honor the reality of her deep pain. A couple of years ago Elle began talking about ‘waking up’ to her emotional pain and trauma. Not long after those conversations, she suffered a significant traumatic brain injury from a skateboarding accident, and life was never fully the same after that. Elle, I want to acknowledge your pain and the ways I missed you, the ways we collectively missed you, and the ways we systemically missed you. You are worthy of and were worthy of good care. When pain is too much, we need more holding, more listening, more attention. Suicide tells me you were holding too much of that pain by yourself. 

I want to end this tribute with writing from the stunning poet and artist herself, Elle’s “Who Am I” assignment from The Seattle School. You’ll find her words at the very end of this tribute.

Elskede Elle, my Spirited Mountain Seeker. 

You are beloved simply for existing.

Shine on Beauty. 

Love, Emersyn

“It’s all in the breaking and re-mending, the chasing after wonder. To live out the questions, to seek out the quest for more. I will not apologize for the stallion that lives inside of my soul. She keeps me curious, she keeps me chasing, climbing, seeking. I’d rather live my whole life learning to run alongside her than trying to tame her. She takes me alive to foreign lands, leads me beside quiet waters, keeps me curious and wild.  Because of her I have known love and in journeying with her, I am mended. To be rooted is to be free.”